A Few Gracious Women

The days of knights and fair maidens are long gone. For many young women the question, “Can I carry that for you?” sounds more like, “Prithee, fair maiden! Allow me to relieve thee of thy luggage.” To which they respond, “What century are you from?”
~Brett Harris, When Lancelot Comes Riding

The last strains of Carl Davis' famous theme fade away as Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy ride off in their wedding carriage. Pride and Prejudice ends, and with it comes the blissful sigh of satisfaction. Happy ending! But the bliss doesn't last long, because after the sigh soon comes the question, "Why can't there be guys like Mr. Darcy today?"

I know I've asked myself this question--and I'm betting that you ladies have, too. For a diehard Janeite like myself, a real hero might look something like Colonel Brandon or Mr. Knightley--a true gentleman in every sense of the word. This is a great ideal, and gentlemanliness (hmm, that's not a word) is definitely a trait I want to see exemplified in my husband someday. Unfortunately, though we may admire men like Colonel Brandon, Mr. Knightley and Mr. Darcy, that admiration is often followed by--quote, unquote--despair. Where are all the gentleman of the Modern Era? Did they go out with cravats? Are they an extinct race, vanished from the face of the earth.

Well, no, they're not. But it's an indisputable point that true gentleman are rather scarce nowadays. Simple courtesies such as opening doors for ladies, not smoking indoors and removing hats are now considered as obsolete as Internet Explorer.

I myself am an old-fashioned girl.  I only started using Google Chrome last summer.  (And I still haven't switched to the new Blogger interface.  I know, I know... delaying the inevitable.)  I'm a history buff and love studying times gone by--now really, wouldn't it be pretty neat to be able to step back in time and attend a Regency ball or be in the crowd during Lincoln's Gettysburg address? I've often daydreamed about living in a world of hoopskirts and four-wheeled carriages, a world where people bowed and curtsied ... a world where good manners were taken very, very seriously, where gals were ladies and guys were gentlemen.

And though the desire to live in a bygone era may very well be "just me", the fact that true ladies and gentlemen are rather scarce nowadays is something that a lot of people are acknowledging.

In his four-part series on The Rebelution blog, "When Lancelot Comes Riding," Brett Harris writes,
"For decades gentlemanly behavior has experienced decline. Not only are men becoming less apt to offer service, but ladies are much more likely to refuse it."

You know, I have to wonder... does the Decline of Chivalry maybe, just maybe have something to do with the way we girls are treating gentlemanly behavior today?  Could our unladylike attitudes possibly be keeping guys from being gentlemen?  Might this just be, in some way, our fault?

The Marine Corps are famous for saying that they need a few good men. Well, I'd like to say that I think we need a few gracious women.  Our world needs women who are not afraid to be ladies, who are not unwilling to be mannerly and gracious, who don't worry about looking "helpless" or "wimpy" if they--gasp--let a guy open a door for them.

via

And really, why is it awkward for us to accept a little chivalry now and then?  I know I'm guilty of it-- if a guy opens a door for me or steps back to let me go first or offers to carry a box, my automatic response is, "Oh, no, I've got it."  Why?  Probably because I don't want him to think I can't do it myself.  I don't want to be considered helpless.

But if a guy offers to carry something for me, he's not saying that he thinks I'm helpless.  He's simply showing good manners.  It isn't that he thinks I can't do it myself-- it's that he's being polite! (Hey, did you read that article I linked to yet? No?  Go read it.  I'll wait.)  Okay, are you back again?  Great, now we can discuss it.  I think my favorite analogy in the whole Rebelution series is the one about the CD.  (I know some of you didn't go and read the article even though I asked you to, so I'll just repeat the analogy here.)  If a friend bought you a CD for your birthday, a CD she knew you'd been wanting, would you consider that an insult?  Would you think she was hinting that you're too poor to buy the CD yourself?  Of course not! You'd know that your friend got you the CD because she wanted to do something nice for you... something that you could have done yourself, but didn't have to because she did.

So let's stop getting offended over a CD.  Let's stop saying, "Oh, it's fine, I'll get it," if a guy offers to do something for us.  Because you know what?  If we keep refusing, they'll stop offering.  And then they'll think we're morons when we start whining about how there are no gentlemen around these days.  And since nobody wants to be called helpless, I think I can say with certainty that no one wants to be called a moron either.

Seriously, letting a guy do something for you does not automatically turn you into this.  Believe me.

Accepting chivalry isn't easy for us to do at times. But do you think it's always easy for guys, to act like a gentleman when they know there's a pretty good chance of getting snubbed?  Let's make it a little easier for them... by being ladies.  If we want to encourage our brothers in Christ, we have to act like the sisters in Christ that we're supposed to be.

Plus, it's embarrassing for everyone if you refuse when a guy steps back to let you go through a door.  Believe me, I speak from experience.  I remember one time when my family got together with some friends, and as we were moving from one room of the house to another, one of the boys stepped back to let me go through first.  Under the impression that I was being a good hostess (it happened at our house), I said, "Oh, no, you go ahead."  Embarrassed, he shook his head and insisted that I go first.  By this point, we were holding up everyone else and his mother had to say, "Now, now, ladies first, you two..." and at last I realized how ridiculous I was being and hastily zipped through the door.  I think we were both mortified for the rest of the evening.

Now all you lovely readers know just how much I'm willing to do for you--I'm actually telling you embarrassing stories about myself to get a point across.  Sigh.  Moving on.  (I haven't refused to go through a door first since then, by the way.  Lesson learned.)

Recently, I've been trying to encourage my brother in this respect by thanking him every time he opens a door for me.  He's seven, I'm seventeen.  He's half my height and often has to ask me to pick him up so he can reach things.  I don't need him to open doors for me-- but it doesn't hurt to let him.  In fact, if he gets into the habit of being a gentleman now, his future wife will be grateful someday. :D

(You can read a little more on this topic here.)

And you know what?  If we practice being ladies now... we'll be so much readier when Mr. Knightley does come riding.