How to Plan a Wedding, by the Ladies and Gentlemen of Period Drama

(I would have made a nicely formatted textual image with the words "How to Plan a Wedding, Period Drama Style" to head off this post but PicMonkey is now demanding money in return for their previously free services, and I am a cheapskate.)

Previously in this series: How to Get the Girl, How to Catch a Man, Hair Guide for Ladies, Hair Guide for Men

Muslin from India is a lovely choice for a bridal gown, particularly if one is to be a rectory bride. Make sure the fabric arrives on time, though, otherwise it may have to wait a generation or two to be used.

It's totally okay to marry a man you just met and have very little prior knowledge of! I mean, a courtship of 3-4 weeks is completely normal. As long as he saved your little brother and looks really great in a cape, you're probably golden. Don't talk too much about politics beforehand though. What if he ends up thinking you're a traitor or something?

If horrid, childish leeches from your past who have made life miserable for yourself and a lot of the people you hold dear show up uninvited and start picking at your cake, GET 'EM. Or don't. And just enjoy the day.

Beware of fainting on the big day as you march down the aisle. If you do, your elderly aunt might be forced to drag you to the rainwater hogs-head and drop you in!

On that note, for pity's sake don't march through the ceiling while practicing the wedding march!

Be very specific when choosing your dress size if you are ordering from a catalog, and make sure the store delivers the correct dress to your house. You don't want a mix-up on the big day! (Better yet, if anyone else in your tiny town happens to be getting married on the same exact day as you, choose different dresses, for heaven's sake.)

Do NOT let your gorgeous and incredibly expensive Gilded Age veil anywhere near hot curling iron lighter thingies. Or five-year-olds, for that matter. (THAT IS SO NOT HOW IT HAPPENED IN THE BOOK THOUGH AND HER DRESS WAS WAY PRETTIER IN THE BOOK. CORNELIA'S DRESS IN THE MOVIE IS FINE BUT I COULDN'T FIND A PICTURE.)

Do make sure the lecherous creeps who "raised" you as a child (read: took all the money your mother sent for your upkeep and spent it on themselves) to attend your wedding under any circumstances, even in disguise. Your new husband may be forced to bodily throw them out.

Double weddings, though difficult to pull off, can be achieved as long as you are having one with your sister, and if the two of you happen to be marrying guys who are best friends. Otherwise it's just kinda awkward.

Make sure the guy who's been pursuing you ever since you were a child is FAR away from the festive scene when you finally marry your beloved! You don't want to risk him bursting into the church and shooting you (mostly) dead before all assembled, after all.

Oh, and please do please marry the right guy. If by some trick of circumstance you find yourself standing at the altar with an evil prince, the day may be saved by getting a faltering priest to skip to the very end of the wedding ceremony, thereby saving you from having to actually say "I do."

Honestly, yeah, marrying the right guy ought to be #1. The rest are just details.

I hope you find all these helpful tips as useful as I will. ;)

How to Get the Girl, Period Drama Style

"Am I not sensitive, clever, well-mannered, considerate, passionate, charming, as kind as I'm handsome and heir to a throne?"

"You are everything maidens could wish for!"

"Then why no--?"

"Do I know?"

"THE GIRL MUST BE MAD!"

~Agony, Into the Woods

The guide I published a couple weeks ago with instructions on how to catch a man proved rather more popular than I'd hoped-- so at the suggestion of Ginger, I've written a second guide, for the benefit of all the hundreds and hundreds of guys who frequent this blog.  Because I'm totally an expert at the whole romance thing, duh.   Listen up, boys, here's how to hunt down a wife.

1. Stare at her from across the room.  Intensely.  Smolderingly.  Creepily.  It may take her thirty chapters or so, but she'll fall for you.  (Note: you have to be pretty good-looking to pull this off.  Otherwise you will just come across as sleazy.)

2. Don't bother proposing to her or acting remotely intelligent or anything like that.  If she wants you, she'll do it all herself.  So will that other girl over there. Oh, and that one.  Wow, you're more desirable than I thought.  And that one is also apparently interested.  And that one too?  Yikes.  You might need a trusty valet to get you out of this fix.

3. Talk wittily to her in a crowded public assembly room in Bath without being formally introduced first.  OH SHOCK.  You'll scandalize her so much that she won't be able to resist you after that.

4. Help her family out of poverty and prison, but pursue some other brainless young thing in the process.  When BYT marries a total loser, pine briefly, get trapped in a Ponzi scheme, and land in prison yourself. Eventually she'll come back and bail you out.  Protest, as a gentleman would do, but leave enough time for your business partner to pull a deus ex machina and get you back on your feet.

5. Befriend her at a party, hang out with her and her sisters, and basically get adopted into their family.  (This works best if you live, like, next door.)  Propose to her once you're old enough for that sort of them.  Get turned down, because the two of you really wouldn't work too well together as husband and wife.  Be crushed for a while.  Sow your wild oats, grow a mustache, do your thing.  Rediscover her little sister (this, basically) and realize she's been the one all along.  She'll tell you to get rid of the mustache.  Do it.

(I'm a terrible person, btw.)

6. Stalk her ceaselessly.  Teach her how to sing.  Dress up a dummy that looks just like her in a wedding gown and keep it in your sinister underground lair.  Don't show it to her, though-- you might freak her out.   Can't think why.  Oh, and kidnap and hold her fiance hostage until she agrees to marry you.  ...Wait, come to think of it, this might actually not be that effective.

7. So yeah, scratch that.  If you really want this girl, make sure you're a wealthy, handsome, charismatic, playful, gallant, adorable viscount with a really good singing voice who looks good in a tux.  You can be a little bossy and controlling if you want.  No, seriously, girls like that!  Duh!  Be prepared to deal with nooses and all that, though.  You might have some competition going on in the basement.

8. Save her from a vaguely dangerous situation in downtown Florence (it has to be Florence, because Artistic Moods and Angst and Wonder and Travel and the Great Italian Sun and all that), smooch her unexpectedly in a field of barley and then be weird and moody whenever you see her after that.  Oh, and collect her tennis balls for her.  And kiss her again when her fiance isn't looking.  Women find this irresistible.  No, really.

9. Treat her like a little sister for years and years, then fall head over heels for a self-centered schemer.  Realize your mistake at last when said selfish schemer's scurrilous brother runs off with your (already married) sister.  Dump said selfish schemer, realize heroine's worth over the course of half a paragraph, and then-- wait, what? Dude! She's your cousin! Gross! Stop it!

via

10.  Make one of the stupidest decisions in your entire life and propose to a vapid, soulless girl while you're still in school.  When The One comes along, regret this.  Proceed to be even stupider and don't even tell The One that she's not technically eligible to be your One.  You're a good and honorable guy at heart, though, so when Vapid Soulless gets in trouble with your mom for being too poor for you, stick by her anyway.  You gave your word, after all.  Fate will smile on you, however, and in the end she'll dump you for your brother, who stands to inherit the fortune that was supposed to be yours.  You and The One can live happily ever after, after all.  (Make sure The One has a sister who's marrying a rich guy who can give you a house to live in, though.  Otherwise the two of you might end up being happy on the street together.)

11. You know what, forget it! Scorn all women!  Who needs them, right? Your only girlfriend is Patria, and for the ignorant, that means France, not some chick.  Women are a distraction from the cause. Hearts and roses have no right to be red, because red stands only for revolution.  Love is a waste of time.  One purpose and one cause is all you'll ever need.   Soulmates?  Bah.  ...Be forewarned, you might not survive the movie... just so ya know.

(ButIwillstillshipyouwithEponineforeverandamenandhatersgonnahatebutIjustshakeitoff.)

12.  But yeah, like I said in the last one, if the right one's out there, then she's out there and you two will meet eventually.  Don't sweat it.  And don't start hunting out women who look like qualified wife material just because you feel you should get married.  That's not looking for love, that's fulfilling a shopping list.

Seriously, though, wish you all the best and all that.  Oh, and make sure you know how to dance.  And ride a horse.  Period drama ladies seem to like that.

How to Catch a Man, Period Drama Style

"But if you DID want to catch a man how would you go about it? I want to know," persisted Davy, for whom the subject evidently possessed a certain fascination.

"You'd better ask Mrs. Boulter," said Anne thoughtlessly. "I think it's likely she knows more about the process than I do."

"I will, the next time I see her," said Davy gravely.

"Davy! If you do!" cried Anne, realizing her mistake.

"But you just told me to," protested Davy, aggrieved.

"It's time you went to bed," decreed Anne, by way of getting out of the scrape.

~Anne of the Island

On this day of love (love!) and romance (romance!) and denial (augh! denial!), I wish to extend a hand of sympathy to all my fellow single sisters, struggling through life without a significant other by their side.  You brave souls, you beacons of cold clear light in a sea of sentimental slop, you courageous warriors against all odds in this dark time that comes around every February... I salute you across the bonds of our fraternal (sisternal?) aloneness.  May this pitiable, tragic state last as briefly as possible, and may we all find our other halves soon so our lives can finally begin.

In the meantime, I thought it would be helpful to compose a little handy-dandy helpful guide to getting a guy as quickly as possible.  It hasn't worked for me yet, but maybe someone else can be helped.  If just one girl can be redeemed from a life of singledom by these invaluable tips and tricks, then my blogging shall not be in vaaaaaaaaain.

{All images via Pinterest, except #3, which I made.} 

1.  Have fine eyes.  This one has been proven time and time again, but seriously, all you have to do is blink at the guy across the room, and if he's The One, he will go head over heels for the Windows to your Soul and all that rot.  Just go with it.

2.  Let him fall in love with your stepsister first.  Be patient.  Eventually he'll realize she's shallower than a kiddie pool and realize it was actually you he wanted all along.  (If he rides seven miles to bring you a wasp's nest, it's a deal-clincher.  Nobody does that for no reason.)  When this fact hits him over the head with all the subtlety of a two-by-four, accept his proposal graciously... but if you want to let him wallow and grovel and call himself an idiot for a little while, nobody will blame you.

3.  Stare at him from across a crowded marketplace.  Be sure you're wearing a bonnet larger than the cumulative mass of his entire wardrobe, so as to get his attention.

4.  Be rude to him time and time again over the years, repeatedly refuse his proposals, and call him names.  He'll stick by you anyway.  We're not sure why... maybe it's because smooching you is at least better than kissing his dog.  (I'm sorry, that was probably crude.  Hey, I didn't say 'filthy', did I now?)

5. Have a stupid younger brother who gets himself into trouble that Cute Guy will have to get him out of, thereby meeting you and falling hard.

6. Insult his business and the way he treats his workers.  Then shake his hand.  Don't forget to look beautiful.  He won't know what hit him.

7. Tease him, pester him, and annoy him incessantly, but follow up with bearing his scolding and lecturing as no other woman in England would have done.

8. Rescue him from drowning when you were both children.  When he inevitably runs into you ten years later, he will of course be completely smitten.  Either the attraction of your amazingly well-developed personality stayed with him for all those years, or else he doesn't get out much and you're one of two women he knows who aren't his sisters.  Pick your preference.

9. Fall deathly ill.  Let him play courier and fetch your mommy so you'll feel better.  Thank him and let him read you poetry.  Boom, wedding.

10. Get annoyed over a childhood teasing episode, hold it against him for a while, then finally mellow and be friends with the guy, but don't let it go any farther than that.  (Continue to hold out for your tall, dark and handsome ideal.)  Finally, when said guy contracts typhoid fever, come to grips with your own idiocy and realize there's never been anyone else for you.  (Let the audience cry their happy tears.) Oh, and look, he's tall, dark and handsome after all.  Yoop.

11.  If all else fails, flirt like crazy, steal the chap’s sword and let him chase after you for it, dance with him even when no one else is doing so, and generally make yourself annoyingly irresistible.  Please note, this procedure may result in running away to Gretna Green and then getting shepherded back to London for an honorable marriage by your sweetheart’s stick-in-the-mud childhood friend who’s actually in love with your big sister. What a drag.

(This particular one was made by my best friend)

12.  Seriously though... if The One is out there, he'll find you and you'll find him, and the best way for the two of you to fall in love with each other is just to be yourselves.  Do you really want someone to fall in love with you because you were cute and attractive and always said the right thing at the right time?  Or do you want someone to fall in love with you because you're you, and that's all he needs?  So forget the tips and tricks, just be you (there's no one alive who's you-er than you, after all) and go live happily ever after.

...And if he's not out there?  Then he's not, big whoop.  Romantical love is a beautiful thing, but it's not the be-all, end-all of life.  I mean, have you had dark chocolate?

A Handy-Dandy Helpful Hair Guide, From the Ladies of Period Drama

This guide is meant to be a Helpful Tool to all you ladies out there who have hair and would like some Handy Tips on How to Manage it.  I am not a hairstylist, nor have I ever been to beauty school, so I would prefer not to be sued or held responsible if you follow my advice and end up bald-- in other words, swim at your own risk.

Oh, and you should know that the Useful Advice that this article is about to spit at you is presented in random order, and that Tip No. 1 is not necessarily more important or more chronologically essential than Tip No. 9.

Let us begin.
(I'm not ready yet.  Not without my bucket.  Rules and tools are schools for--- shutting up.)

1.  Red hair is a blessing, not a curse, and if one is fortunate enough to possess locks of this particular shade, one should not attempt to change their hue to something darker-- otherwise, one may end up Green, and it's not easy being Green. People might be tempted to ask if you ate grass as a child, and this is an awkward conversation starter.

2.  Don't let a guy cut pieces off unless you're absolutely sure of his intentions.  He might turn out to be a total jerk and end up sending the hair back to you with a note along the lines of "you started it."  Not fun.

3.  Stop worrying about your hair being overly frizzy.  There is no such thing as too much volume.  No, seriously.  Go big or go home.

4.  If one should be so unfortunate as to contract smallpox and is left with disfiguring scars all around one's face, wearing one's hair in unflattering side ringlets can help to disguise the pockmarks.  Well... sort of.

But please do keep in mind that smallpox scars mysteriously seem to fade as one becomes more and more of a selfless person, and by the time one weds one's true love at the end of the film, they will be--ta-da!--practically nonexistent.

5.  I don't care what the fashion is, girl, don't run a lawnmower over your head.  Unattractiveness (seriously? that's a word) aside, it's just not safe.

6.  Chestnut tresses fetch a pretty price during wartime, and if one's father has fallen seriously ill and is in need of expensive medicines, by all means go ahead and sever your "one beauty."  (Trust me, it isn't your only beauty.  That and the existence of the Loch Ness monster are lies perpetrated by the media to get you to buy magazines.  Don't fall for the myth.)

7. Rain may spoil a splendid 'do, it is true (you see I'm a bit of a poet...) but if you time things right, you may just get a proposal from the guy you've been in love with for years if you run into him dripping wet.  Moral: never carry an umbrella.

8.  Letting your haphazard younger sister curl your hair before you go to your first ball is totally a good and well-researched idea, strongly founded on previous examples of skill and steadfastness from said younger sister. (That was sarcasm.)  No, seriously, don't let her near you with a curling iron unless you want to go dancing completely bald in front.

9.  It is a truth universally acknowledged that many--even most--girls look prettier when the hair is, to be blunt, "down."  This, however, is only acceptable pre-nineteenth century.  (Half-up is the general consensus once you start sliding into the eighteenth; be warned.)  Don't let the movie stylists lie to you.

NO REALLY I'M SERIOUS HERE.  You are a full-grown and respectable woman of the Regency period.  Stop the madness.  PUT IT UP.  NOW.

10.  Remember what we said before about volume?  Yeah.  That.  Did you think we were kidding?  Your hair can never be too fluffy.  Trust us on this.  Poofy hair has a power not to be reckoned with-- if your one true love happens to be dying, just run to him with a head full of frizz and floof and he will get better out of sheer terror and self-defense.  This experiment has been tested in Avonlea and is proven to work.  (Oh, and actually telling him you love him will help, too.  Just a hint.)

11.  Don't listen to naysayers-- your natural color is beautiful just the way God made it, and if you so firmly believe that making it different will snag the guy of your dreams, consider rethinking your motivations.  (Also consider how old he is.  Yeesh.)

12.  All that previous stuff aside... if you're only the second daughter, it's really not important what your hair looks like. Sorry, sweetie. But if you're the eldest, then go for those curl papers and call for Sarah, because we need to get you married off now.

Bonus: If you're at all acquainted with a certain Miss Margaret Hale, get her to teach you her ways.  And then pass the tips off to the rest of us.  We beg you.