Friday, October 20, 2017

How to Plan a Wedding, by the Ladies and Gentlemen of Period Drama

(I would have made a nicely formatted textual image with the words "How to Plan a Wedding, Period Drama Style" to head off this post but PicMonkey is now demanding money in return for their previously free services, and I am a cheapskate.)

Previously in this series: How to Get the Girl, How to Catch a Man, Hair Guide for Ladies, Hair Guide for Men

Muslin from India is a lovely choice for a bridal gown, particularly if one is to be a rectory bride. Make sure the fabric arrives on time, though, otherwise it may have to wait a generation or two to be used.

It's totally okay to marry a man you just met and have very little prior knowledge of! I mean, a courtship of 3-4 weeks is completely normal. As long as he saved your little brother and looks really great in a cape, you're probably golden. Don't talk too much about politics beforehand though. What if he ends up thinking you're a traitor or something?

If horrid, childish leeches from your past who have made life miserable for yourself and a lot of the people you hold dear show up uninvited and start picking at your cake, GET 'EM. Or don't. And just enjoy the day.

Beware of fainting on the big day as you march down the aisle. If you do, your elderly aunt might be forced to drag you to the rainwater hogs-head and drop you in!

On that note, for pity's sake don't march through the ceiling while practicing the wedding march!

Be very specific when choosing your dress size if you are ordering from a catalog, and make sure the store delivers the correct dress to your house. You don't want a mix-up on the big day! (Better yet, if anyone else in your tiny town happens to be getting married on the same exact day as you, choose different dresses, for heaven's sake.)

Do NOT let your gorgeous and incredibly expensive Gilded Age veil anywhere near hot curling iron lighter thingies. Or five-year-olds, for that matter. (THAT IS SO NOT HOW IT HAPPENED IN THE BOOK THOUGH AND HER DRESS WAS WAY PRETTIER IN THE BOOK. CORNELIA'S DRESS IN THE MOVIE IS FINE BUT I COULDN'T FIND A PICTURE.)

Do make sure the lecherous creeps who "raised" you as a child (read: took all the money your mother sent for your upkeep and spent it on themselves) to attend your wedding under any circumstances, even in disguise. Your new husband may be forced to bodily throw them out.

Double weddings, though difficult to pull off, can be achieved as long as you are having one with your sister, and if the two of you happen to be marrying guys who are best friends. Otherwise it's just kinda awkward.

Make sure the guy who's been pursuing you ever since you were a child is FAR away from the festive scene when you finally marry your beloved! You don't want to risk him bursting into the church and shooting you (mostly) dead before all assembled, after all.

Oh, and please do please marry the right guy. If by some trick of circumstance you find yourself standing at the altar with an evil prince, the day may be saved by getting a faltering priest to skip to the very end of the wedding ceremony, thereby saving you from having to actually say "I do."

Honestly, yeah, marrying the right guy ought to be #1. The rest are just details.

I hope you find all these helpful tips as useful as I will. ;)


Evangeline said...

wait wut.. that last line... you're getting married?!?!!?!?

Katie Hanna said...

"As long as he saved your little brother and looks really great in a cape, you're probably golden." Well, 'kay, then . . . I'll be sure and remember that . . . :-P

So many pitfalls! So much danger! Do be careful, my dear Miss Dashwood.

(And, y'know, best wishes and congratulations and all that, old sport.)

Natalie said...

This post was golden but what I'm really excited about is what I'm reading between the lines......

IS IT TRUE?? :D I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Joy said...

such a funny post :D

Miss Woodhouse said...

LOVED THIS!!! Absolutely hilarious ;)!!


Awdur said...

Hilarious as always.

And WHAT?!

Lois TinĂºviel said...

You're killing us? Is it true? I loved your post though!

Gabby A. said...

Hahahaha. XD

I love it!!
Especially the part about how awkward it would be to have a double wedding unless they're sisters and best friends. My Dad has threatened to wed his 4 daughters off in pairs, to cover the cost better. I believe we were all horrified at that. :P (He was joking!)

And ugggh, yes, in Lorna Doone it makes me so mad that Carver was still around! WHY DIDN'T THEY THINK OF HIM TURNING UP AND SPOILING IT ALL?!!!

I thought this was somewhat coincidental, because my brother got married last weekend, and I was a bridesmaid. Weddings are so much fun. :D