Tuesday, January 28, 2014

A Handy-Dandy Helpful Hair Guide, From the Ladies of Period Drama


This guide is meant to be a Helpful Tool to all you ladies out there who have hair and would like some Handy Tips on How to Manage it.  I am not a hairstylist, nor have I ever been to beauty school, so I would prefer not to be sued or held responsible if you follow my advice and end up bald-- in other words, swim at your own risk.

Oh, and you should know that the Useful Advice that this article is about to spit at you is presented in random order, and that Tip No. 1 is not necessarily more important or more chronologically essential than Tip No. 9.

Let us begin.
(I'm not ready yet.  Not without my bucket.  Rules and tools are schools for--- shutting up.)


1.  Red hair is a blessing, not a curse, and if one is fortunate enough to possess locks of this particular shade, one should not attempt to change their hue to something darker-- otherwise, one may end up Green, and it's not easy being Green. People might be tempted to ask if you ate grass as a child, and this is an awkward conversation starter.


2.  Don't let a guy cut pieces off unless you're absolutely sure of his intentions.  He might turn out to be a total jerk and end up sending the hair back to you with a note along the lines of "you started it."  Not fun.


3.  Stop worrying about your hair being overly frizzy.  There is no such thing as too much volume.  No, seriously.  Go big or go home.


4.  If one should be so unfortunate as to contract smallpox and is left with disfiguring scars all around one's face, wearing one's hair in unflattering side ringlets can help to disguise the pockmarks.  Well... sort of.


But please do keep in mind that smallpox scars mysteriously seem to fade as one becomes more and more of a selfless person, and by the time one weds one's true love at the end of the film, they will be--ta-da!--practically nonexistent.


5.  I don't care what the fashion is, girl, don't run a lawnmower over your head.  Unattractiveness (seriously? that's a word) aside, it's just not safe.


6.  Chestnut tresses fetch a pretty price during wartime, and if one's father has fallen seriously ill and is in need of expensive medicines, by all means go ahead and sever your "one beauty."  (Trust me, it isn't your only beauty.  That and the existence of the Loch Ness monster are lies perpetrated by the media to get you to buy magazines.  Don't fall for the myth.)


7. Rain may spoil a splendid 'do, it is true (you see I'm a bit of a poet...) but if you time things right, you may just get a proposal from the guy you've been in love with for years if you run into him dripping wet.  Moral: never carry an umbrella.


8.  Letting your haphazard younger sister curl your hair before you go to your first ball is totally a good and well-researched idea, strongly founded on previous examples of skill and steadfastness from said younger sister. (That was sarcasm.)  No, seriously, don't let her near you with a curling iron unless you want to go dancing completely bald in front.



9.  It is a truth universally acknowledged that many--even most--girls look prettier when the hair is, to be blunt, "down."  This, however, is only acceptable pre-nineteenth century.  (Half-up is the general consensus once you start sliding into the eighteenth; be warned.)  Don't let the movie stylists lie to you.


NO REALLY I'M SERIOUS HERE.  You are a full-grown and respectable woman of the Regency period.  Stop the madness.  PUT IT UP.  NOW.


10.  Remember what we said before about volume?  Yeah.  That.  Did you think we were kidding?  Your hair can never be too fluffy.  Trust us on this.  Poofy hair has a power not to be reckoned with-- if your one true love happens to be dying, just run to him with a head full of frizz and floof and he will get better out of sheer terror and self-defense.  This experiment has been tested in Avonlea and is proven to work.  (Oh, and actually telling him you love him will help, too.  Just a hint.)


11.  Don't listen to naysayers-- your natural color is beautiful just the way God made it, and if you so firmly believe that making it different will snag the guy of your dreams, consider rethinking your motivations.  (Also consider how old he is.  Yeesh.)


12.  All that previous stuff aside... if you're only the second daughter, it's really not important what your hair looks like. Sorry, sweetie. But if you're the eldest, then go for those curl papers and call for Sarah, because we need to get you married off now.


Bonus: If you're at all acquainted with a certain Miss Margaret Hale, get her to teach you her ways.  And then pass the tips off to the rest of us.  We beg you.

36 comments:

Melody said...

BAHAHAHAHAHA.

Ohmygoodness.
Why are you so witty....

Maribeth B said...

This is fantastic. I was laughing! "Go big or go home" had me in stitches, but the line "If your one true love happens to be dying, just run to him with a head full of frizz and floof and he will get better out of sheer terror and self-defense" may very well have been the best part of the whole post.

Great, great work, Amy :)

Jessa Bri said...

Lawnmower! Hahaha! Absolutely hilarious (but truthful) post! :)

Molly said...

I loved this! And Beth's face in the picture from "Little Women" is priceless! :D

Naomi said...

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE this post! You are so funny!

Mary Elizabeth Gaither said...

Cannot. Stop. Laughing. Ohmygoodness.

Miss Laurie of Old-Fashioned Charm said...

Haha! Absolutely love this post, you are amazing Mouse! I agree with all of your tips, especially the one about getting Margaret Hale to teach us her ways - seriously, how does her hair always look so perfect? Thank you for the giggles m'dear! :)

Ella said...

Hello!
This was wonderfully funny!
I will try to keep these tips in mind:)

Natalie said...

This is just too perfect, Amy!!! I LOVE it! I actually thought you were going to give real hair tips (coughcough, I mean tips not from period dramas) but I'm so glad I was wrong! This is hilarious!!!!

Candice said...

Thanks for posting this, it was hilarious! :)

Lady Éowyn said...

This entire post was hilarious!!! I especially loved the "You started it" one.:) And Lady Herriot's hair, *shiver*,I think it should get a "worst hairstyle ever award" or some such thing. :)

Kiri Liz said...

THIS WAS AMAZING! And I loved every bit of it!! The awkward conversation starter, the lawnmower, yes, the "if you're the eldest, then go for those curl papers and call for Sarah, because we need to get you married off now," etc... but I think the cream of the crop, the tip of the top (well, Mary Poppins, yes, but she's not part of this post, so anywho) was #8. Haphazard younger sisters should NEVER be allowed to go near curling irons! And I say that mostly because I am a younger sister and cannot be trusted with hair.

Rhoswen Faerie Wrose said...

That was seriously awesome! :-D
And I think I may be a good candidate for period drama hair...it's even red! ;-)

Jana said...

This was awesome!! It had me laughing for quite a while, and as a naturally curly-headed person I feel the pain of all the fluffy headed ones. Oh well, tis life!! Thanks again for the post, I'm still smiling!

Emma Jane said...

I LOVE THIS! Oh my goodness. You are so terribly clever, Miss Dashwood. : )

Oh, I AGREE madam, there is no such thing as too much volume! Margurite and Anne would certainly know! I absolutely LOVE Anne's hair in that scene. : )

My favorite may be #5. :-P I can think of no better way to describe Harriet's hair-- she must have run over it with a lawnmower. Why on earth did she do that???

This was absolutely hysterical! Funniest thing I've read in...a long time. :-) Thanks!

~Emma

Jessica Greyson said...

OH OH OH OH SOOOOO HILARIOUS!!!!! I LOVE IT!!!!!! I have died laughing twice and I intend to do so again this evening when I show it to my family.

Miss Jane Bennet said...

HAHAHA. *chokes* This was HILARIOUS. Best thing I've seen all day!! =)
Now I'm off to show this to everyone I know...

Hayden said...

*snicker snort full-blown laughter* LOVED this. (WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE LOCH NESS MONSTER IS A LIE? I BELIEEEVVVEEE ;)

When I was little, my mother would always try to make my hair poofy and I HATED it and would throw fits despite my mother telling me it was lovely.

Guess what? She was right. Mothers tend to be, you know ;)

Rose P said...

That was GREAT!!! Ah, the wonderful lessons we draw form period dramas...
I completely agree with #9 and #10 - come on filmmakers.. be true to the time period.
By the way, I love your blog. You have so many great posts..

BatZion Francesca said...

BRILLIANT.
Period.
'Nuff said.

Heidi P. (Lady of Anorien) said...

A-B-S-O-L-U-T-E-L-Y GREAT!!! Such fun...!

(And ditto on Miss Hale. ;-))

Analiese said...

Wow, this was the highlight of my day. You have excellent insight. {My personal favorite was the lawn mower advice...I've always wondered what happened to her. ;)}

inklingspress said...

*nods* Yup.

-Eowyn-

payton marie said...

You, m'dear, are awesomeness sauce. :D

Zoë Quinn said...

Miss Dashwood -
What a great post! From point 1 through point 12, it is... entirely hilarious! Or "excessively diverting", I ought to say... ;)
Point 2 - very true!
Point 10 - wow. That is AWESOME! :]
Thanks for posting this heaping dose of laughter! Keep it up!

Naomi said...

Obviously, this post is extremely popular. :-)

Alicia Showalter said...

This post was perfection!! I especially loved the one with the mentioning of the lawn mower and also the tip about never (Ever) carrying an umbrella in a rain storm. I shall try my best to put these tips to good use! hahah :D

Caroline L. said...

O my goodness, Miss Dashwood. My stomach is convulsing because I am in a research library and cannot laugh aloud. These are excellent pointers!

Katelyn said...

Definitely one of the most diverting posts I have ever had the pleasure reading! Made my day; I will be walking around with a smile on my face all day because of this.

Quinlyn said...

I absolutely LOVE this post--you basically poked fun at every regency hairstyle I ever thought was particularly disturbing. Especially Anne floofy hair and Esther's side-curls...hehehe!!

Also, what movie is the first picture pertaining to tip #9 from? I don't recognize it!

Quinlyn

Abigail said...

Loved this! So great! I definitely think that Margaret Hale and Elizabeth Bennet from 1995 BBC have the best hair. :)

Elizabeth said...

I just can't tell you how much I love this post, how much it made me laugh out loud and how witty you are!

Alexandra said...

Go big or go home. My motto for life. Hahahaaaaa.

Kristalyn Huber said...

I would have to agree with all these except...The Lorna Doone one. I'm pretty sure (no matter the time period) that if you are outside most of your life you are going to wear your hair down. (but then again I haven't watched it in years) :)

And yes, Lady Harriet's hair was awful!

And really?... Why did Anna Maxewell Martin ruin herself? As if getting smallpox wasn't enough.

Kristalyn Huber said...

Oh...I forgot to mention. I think Molly looked the best in the rain :) But her hair in No. 5 is horrible! She should have known not to have let Lady Harriet touch it :)

Miss Elliot said...

You shall be the death of me someday!!
"Moral: never carry an umbrella."
You are positively brilliant, m'dear.
Also, can I say something about Sally Hawkins's hair in Persuasion'07? Everyone says that her hair doesn't look very nice, and my 10-year-old brother says she is ugly (I am 14 by the way). But...I think....that she is one of the handsomest women of my aquaintance...hair and all!

That was rather irrelevant, but after all I AM Miss Elliot- and the Sally Hawkins one, thank you very much.