Milestones and Authenticity

(Now that was a post title rather different from what I usually write, no? Yes.  Well, to be perfectly honest, this post is going to be rather different from what I usually write, but please just bear with me.  Thank you.  Thank you.)

I've been blogging for six months now.  Six months and two days, actually.  Yep, I missed my first half-blog-o-versary (but I'm not crying myself to sleep over the fact).  Sometimes it feels as if I'd been doing this forever, and sometimes I feel like an utter newbie, still tentatively testing the waters.

When I first started blogging, it was a spur-of-the-moment thing.  I'd been writing a private blog about life and other stuff for about two and a half years before I began this one, so it wasn't completely uncharted territory.  But I'd never yet ventured much into the forays of the Public Blogging World, so it was with some timidity that I set up this page and posted my first post.  And it was with even more timidity that I started de-lurking on some of the blogs I'd been stalking for a while and began doing that thing called "actually leaving comments".  And, wonder of wonders, many of these bloggers commented back.  And followed the link to my blog.  These were girls I'd never met before.  Girls who share my interests and hobbies and passions, girls who are--and I don't use this word lightly--kindred spirits.  I'm still flabbergasted every time I discover another person who "likes what I like".  "What, another Little Dorrit fan? I thought we were a rare breed!"

And now, today, I'm looking at the homepage of Yet Another Period Drama Blog, still not quite believing the number that I'm seeing on the Google Friend Connect gadget.  One hundred followers.  One hundred people who "like what I like".  One hundred fellow sojourners.

And now... it's time to be honest.  Because frankly, honestly, truthfully, deep down inside, my first reaction at seeing that my blog had reached the hundred-follower mark was, "Wow.  A hundred followers already? All these people wanting to read what I have to say-- I must be pretty awesome."

I cannot believe I just told you that, but there it is in black and white and I'm not retracting it because looking at it and wincing is good for toning down my ego.   Which could use a little toning down.  (See above.)

But I have to wonder-- what am I really striving to do on this blog? Am I writing about things I love so that I can share my passions with others who are interested?  Or am I trying to be popular, seeking for attention, rejoicing inwardly whenever the number of pageviews goes up?

Well, it's both.  :P  And yes, I'm being brutally honest here and all that, and if you don't like reading all this, if it's ruining the image you had of the Perfect and Sweet Miss Dashwood Who Never Does Anything Wrong, you don't have to read this post.  Wait, what?  You don't think I'm perfect and sweet and never do anything wrong? .... Oh.

I'm going to admit something else here, and that is that when I started this blog, I daydreamed of becoming one of those Super-Bloggers who had a gazillion trillion followers, garnered hundreds of comments on each post, was constantly sought-out and gushed over and was well-beloved by everybody.  And quite honestly---haven't we all dreamed of that from time to time?

I'm not a Super-Blogger, not by a long shot.  I don't have a gazillion trillion followers, my posts do not garner hundreds of comments, and I'm not constantly sought-out or gushed over.  (The well-beloved by everybody part... well, you can draw your own conclusions. Kidding.  KIDDING.)  And frankly, the more I think about it, the more I realize that I don't want to be a Super-Blogger.  I would rather have a (comparative) few followers who understand what I'm talking about, who participate in enthusiastic comment wars (Sir Percy or Mr. Darcy? I can't decide... but don't kill me...) who write blogs that I want to read and who, in short, are friends.   That sounds so much nicer than being a Blogger of Note with a gazillion trillion followers who post hundreds of comments.   (Would I even have time to read hundreds of comments, let alone reply to them? I think not.)

And yet, even though I say all that (and truly do mean it) there's still the other side of the coin (it's a multi-faceted coin.  Just imagine a Rubix cube that you can buy things with---only don't try using it to settle a dispute): the side that includes desperately wanting to fit in.  Yep, I'm guilty of that one almost daily.  I read other people's blogs and love them and want to be just like them-- and so I resort to (sometimes unconsciously, sometimes consciously--yes, I DID just tell you that) trying to copy them.   Anne Shirley says that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but Proverbs says that a man who flattereth his neighbor spreadeth a net for his feet. And since I don't want to trip any of you, I shouldn't be trying to imitate you.

This is getting ramble-y, but you know what? Rambling is what Tigger Amy does best.  That's what I do.  I ramble.  And, yes, I envy those of you who post coherent and clearly concise writing that does not ramble but instead chooses a topic and sticks to it.  I need to work on doing that, but I also need to write what I'm comfortable with.  Without trying to please everybody, without trying to make myself be liked.  Without trying to be somebody I'm not.  Without trying to gain popularity, without seeking attention.  "Favor is deceitful," after all!  So why am I so often striving after vain things?

Blogging, for me, is turning out to be a journey.  I'm learning so much every day.  I'm sharpening my writing skills (well, a little bit), organizing my own ideas about things (opinions always sound so much better when they're written out) and making new friends (which is, indubitably, the very swellissimus-est part of it all).   I'm resolving to try to focus on that in the next six months (and in the--hopefully--many more to come) instead of thinking about How To Make Bloggers Like Me and Like My Blog.  (Ouch.)  I'm going to write what I love, share what makes me feel happy inside.  The truth of the matter is that I still will feel a little squealy inside when the pageviews go up.  I will still get excited when a new follower joins.  Although that last one is because I wouldn't be writing this if no one were following.  True? True.  So thank you, each and every one of the one hundred, because I wouldn't be writing this without you.  Here's to you! (*Amy stops herself from randomly breaking into a Les Miserables song*--it's amazing how one little phrase can set me off...)