Lorna Doone (2000) Review

"Bring Carver here."

~Sir Ensor Doone, Lorna Doone

"Did he just say 'bring coffee here'?"

~Anne-girl ______, Real Life

Two movie reviews in a week?  Unheard of! Absurd! Two movie reviews in a week?  Unthinkable!

(Name the song I'm paraphrasing and you win... honor and glory.   Also Monopoly money, but don't spend it all in one place.)

Watching Lorna Doone with my sister earlier this week was a new experience for me in many ways.  It was the first period drama I'd seen that was based on a book I'd never read.  It also happened to be the first period drama I'd seen that was based on a book my sister had read before I got my hands on it.  (Usually it's the other way round.   Perks of being the oldest, you know.)  And it was the first period drama I'd seen in which I had almost no idea of what was going to happen next.

Lorna Doone is romantical.  It's suspenseful.  It's scary at times.  It keeps you on the edge of your seat and I guarantee that you will cry at least once.  Or twice.  Or thrice.  (I love saying "thrice."  It's much more fun than "three times.")  It doesn't follow the book very well at all (from what my sister tells me).  But it's a sweeping, beautiful story not easily forgotten, and for that reason I'm going to be very, very careful not to spoil anything for you in this post.  Lorna Doone seems to be one of those sadly-overlooked period dramas--while most people have seen or at least heard of P&P95, if you mention Lorna, you'll get blank looks--but it really shouldn't be that way.   So I'm going to do my best from here on out to convince you to watch it straightaway if you haven't done so already.

{Brief word of warning: though there is no inappropriate content and it is not really a gory story as far as blood-and-guts goes, there are a few violent scenes in Lorna involving some rather intense battles.  I do not recommend this movie for children.}

{Second brief word of warning: I really, really liked this movie.  However, I can never resist poking fun when there's something around to poke fun at, so I may make a few jokes at the characters' expense.  This does not in any way reflect upon my opinion of them--the hero in particular.  He's a great guy but he's also easy to laugh at.  Sorry, John.  No hard feelings, yes? You have a sense of humor too, you know.}

{End of words of warning.}

The story begins in the mid-seventeenth century with the sudden and unprovoked murder of Jack Ridd, a simple farmer in the valley of Exmoor, England.  He is murdered by a band of notorious outlaws, the legendary Doone family who come out of their fortress thingy every so often to rob and pillage the village.  (You see I'm a bit of a poet and you did not know it, what?)  Jack's fourteen-year-old son John swears to avenge his father's death and begins to harbor a strong hate for the Doone family.  His mother, however, convinces him that trying to kill his father's murderers will make him just as bad as they are.  "Killing is the Doone way.  Not ours."

Ooh! Did I mention that his mother is Miss Browning/Mrs. Jamieson/Mrs. Potter?  That is, Barbara Flynn? Because she is.  And she was awesome, by the way.  Here's a really bad-quality picture of her.  Behold.

Soon after this, John nearly drowns while fishing in the river near the Doone valley.  A little girl passing by drags him out of the current, and when he tries to thank her she tells him her name is Lorna but refuses to say anything else about herself, saying only that he should go away and never come back.  (First he teaches her to fish with a spear.  Then he leaves.  Grudgingly.)  It is unclear at this point in the story whether she is playing hard to get or simply doesn't want company today.  (Or perhaps there's another reason... but the audience doesn't know that yet.  Unless, of course, the audience has guessed that she's a Doone.  Which would be a very clever guess on the audience's part, especially if the clever audience has happened to glance at the title of the movie.  High five, clever audience.)

Eight years pass and John grows up while turning around in the hay field.  If you've seen the movie, you'll know what I'm talking about-- if you haven't, I'll just explain that I was making a joke there because the camera pans in on Young John working in the field, zooms in on his leather vest thingy, and then zooms out again and he turns around and boom, it's Mr. Coxe.  Er, that is, Older John.   (As you can see on the right, his hair's quite a bit less frightening in this movie than it was in Wives and Daughters.)

Anyways, John's now grown up and in charge of the farm, yada yada, and he and his family are getting ready for a party to welcome home their friend/relative/somethingorother Tom Faggus, who happens to be a notorious highwayman.  (It's also John's birthday but nobody really makes a big deal out of that.) Sad to relate, this Tom fellow--who happens to be Colonel Fitzwilliam from P&P95--wears no bunch of lace at his throat, but of course this was in the days before Sir Percy so it's excusable.  It is unclear why the honest Ridd family is so attached to this incorrigible bandit.  John's sister Annie seems to be especially fond of Tom, which is rather disturbing because he's her godfather.  Yeah, you read that right. Everybody say EWWWWWW.

Ahem.  Moving on.

The party goes on and everybody's happy until John's uncle, Reuben Huckabuck, comes riding into the shenanigans after having been beat up by a group of Doones (who set upon him for no reason whatsoever, which seems to be a kind of theme with them).  Furious, John and Reuben take the matter up with the magistrate, Baron de Whichehalse (I did NOT make that name up, seriously) who isn't much help because he sides with the Doones anyway.  Except that you aren't supposed to know that at this point.  Ooops.  (But you find it out about ten minutes later.  So I didn't really spoil anything.)

John and Reuben decide to take matters into their own hands and confront the Doones themselves, only Reuben's doctor has forbidden him to attack people with guns and things, so John goes up to deal with the Doones alone.  (While we're on the subject, I might add that the Doone territory is referred to as the "Doone valley", yet a good deal of it is on a hilltop.  This does not compute.)  As he passes the place where he fell in the river eight years ago, he sees a beautiful young woman fishing with a spear... and lo and behold, it's Lorna, the girl who had pulled him out of the river in the dear dead days gone by never to be spoken of.

Cue romantic kissy music.  (By the way.  The music in this film is spectacular.)

Many apologies for the bad quality of these pictures... you can
tell it's an obscure film when Google Images has so little to offer.

They have a highly interesting chase scene in which she goes running away and he goes thundering after her (so much for "quietly sneak up on the Doones and do something drastic-- I don't know what, but SOMETHING") and finally manages to convince her that he's not a man-eating elephant, but an adult version of the kid she pulled out of the river in the dear dead days.  (I may have embellished that description just a tad wee bit).  So he wants to come back and see her again, but she says No very decidedly, and so he tootles back home having apparently forgotten about his quest for vengeance.  You know the twitterpated scene in the movie Bambi?  Yeah.  That.

After being rather rudely kicked off the property by his fair lady, John puts on his Sunday clothes to go see her again.  Poor guy can't take a hint.  (When does he get any farm work done, I would like to know?)  This was one of Anne-girl's and my favorite scenes, because his sister Lizzie (or was it Annie? I forget) comes in to ask what he's getting all dressed up for, and he fumbles a moment before replying, "Uh... no reason."  We maintain that "uh, because it makes me feel pretty" would have been a more interesting answer.

Anyways, he goes to meet up with Lorna again, and though she's glad to see him, she tells him that they can never be together because they've only seen each other twice in their entire lives she's a Doone.  Horrified, John goes racing back home with conflicting emotions. "She's the granddaughter of the guy who killed your dad."  "Yeah, but she's PRETTY!"  His moodiness prompts his sisters and the hired hand to speculation about what's bothering him.

"What's the matter with John?"
"Bit by a mad dog, I suppose."
"Arrrggghhhh."

But John goes back to see Lorna again anyways, because hey!  True love is the greatest thing in the world, right?  Except, of course, for a nice MLT (mutton lettuce and tomata) where the mutton is nice and lean and... where was I?

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There's only one big problem with John and Lorna's living happily ever afterward.  Well, two big problems.  The first is that she's a Doone.  ("Thank you, my dear...")  The second is a fellow whom Anne and I have fondly dubbed Coffee.

The truth of the matter is that his name is Carver.  Carver Doone, to be specific.  Grandson of Sir High Muckety-Muck Ensor Doone, lord of the Doones (who 'appens to be Nicodemus Boffin from Our Mutual Friend).  Son of a mysterious long-locked dude known as The Counsellor, a guy with no real power (who 'appens to be Mr. Merdle from Little Dorrit).  Heir to the seat of power in the Doone valley when Ensor kicks the bucket.  Proud wearer of a ridiculous hairdo that Anne and I have nicknamed The Smokin' Mocha Mohawk (playing on that coffee theme there, you know).  Nicknamed "Coffee" after a slight misunderstanding regarding a line his grandfather says near the beginning of the film (see the top of this post).  Villain of the piece... in love with the heroine.  Against her will.  Duhn-duhn-duhn.

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Carver wants to marry Lorna (if we interpret "wants" as "has no other goal in life and will kill anyone who gets in the way of his pursuit of romance") and she definitely doesn't want him.  Her grandfather and guardian, Sir Ensor, is willing for them to marry, but won't let Lorna be forced into a marriage against her will.  John's determined to take Lorna out of Doone valley and back to his farm to be his wife, but Ensor is getting old and feeble and Lorna refuses to leave him.  Meanwhile, captain Jeremy Stickles of Charles II's army comes to the Ridd farm with a summons to appear before Judge Jeffreys in London (re. the complaint that Uncle Reuben launched to the king about the Doones-- yeah, when Reuben said he was going all the way to the top, he wasn't kidding).  This is another of my favorite portions of dialogue in the film, when Stickles hands John the court summons:

"You CAN read, can't you?"
*lowers scroll and eyelids*  "Yes."

And... that's about all I'm going to tell you as far as the story goes, because I don't want to spoil it.  For now, let's just say that there are a lot of plot twists.  Treachery.  Treason.  Daring rescues.  Epic battles.  Awkward proposals.  Learning to shoot guns (not too badly, for a woman :P).  Adorable weddings.  Returned letters.  Heartbreak.  More heartbreak.  Horses who know the way home.  Bonking people on the thumb with hammers (see below).  Endings that I'm dying to tell you about but won't for fear of spoiling it, like I said.  (I hold no such restrictions in the comments, however, so beware.)  What else can I say?  Watch it.

Look, Puddle, it's Daniel when he was little! Now you really MUST see this.

The cast in this movie is pretty close to perfect.  Richard Coyle is, frankly, not really big and intimidating enough to convincingly play John-Ridd-of-the-book, but according to Anne-girl, John-of-the-book and John-of-the-movie are pretty much two different people so it's all good.  Amelia Warner makes a lovely Lorna Doone (though The Sister says she's too tall...), even though poor Lorna doesn't get half the screen time she should, and when she does appear... she's not really given much to say.  Or do.  Except be beautiful.  Well, there is that one scene pictured below... but I promised I wouldn't spoil.  Let's just say that I cried during that part (surprise, surprise).

I'm usually a big fan of intricate hairstyles... but I like her hair better when
it's just down and loose.   What do y'all think?

Aidan Gillen was absolutely fabulous as Coffee.  I have to admit to something here... I actually kinda liked him.  *ducks*  Horrid, I know! I'm not supposed to like the villain (um, duh?) and he was most definitely the villain... but I just couldn't help it.  It was kind of a mix between "ewww, you slimeball, go away and never come back" and "aww, why can't you be a good guy?  'Cause you'd be an awesome good guy.  YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE ENDED THE WAY YOU DID."  (All you who have seen the movie... can I get an amen on that??)  Every time he appeared, the music would do this Wagnerian here-comes-the-bad-guy thing, and it basically sounded like... a warning signal of some kind.  Hard to describe.  But we took it to mean that the coffee had finished percolating.  (Seriously, it does sound like a timer going off.  Kind of.)  Hence the term Kaffeemusik.

Oh, and he had really cool boots.  So did John.  I'm finding myself rather liking 17th-century fashions.  Take a look at Lorna's dress in that waterfall picture at the top... isn't it purty?

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Sadly enough, there are not that many really quotable lines from Lorna Doone-- not so many as, say, Little Dorrit or Anne of Green Gables.  I mean, it's a lot funnier and more apropos to run around the house saying, "Sparkler, be quiet!" than "You break my heart and then accuse ME of cruelty!".  Heehee.  But hey, when there are a lack of good lines to quote, Anne-girl and I make up our own.  Kaffeemusik!

The supporting characters (a multitude of whom were familiar faces from other period dramas--yay!) were all quite fabulous in their own right.  John's sisters, Annie and Lizzie, were a bit difficult to tell apart at first (hint: Lizzie has glasses) but I got used to them pretty quickly and their relationships with John were so cute.

"I'm not going to be marrying some ignorant farmer."
"Don't worry, nobody'll have you once he gets a look at you."

However, was I the only one who found it a bit far-fetched that Annie so calmly accepted the fact that John wanted to marry Lorna?
"She's a DOONE?"
"Yeah... does that bother you?"
"Eh, I just want you to be happy."  (Okay, I paraphrased that a bit because I don't remember exactly how it goes and IMDb is most unhelpful when it comes to Lorna Doone quotes.)

I didn't care for Tom Faggus at first, but found him more and more likable as the story went on--even though he had to be the bearer of Evil Tidings in the second half of the story (don't worry, I'm not revealing anything) it definitely wasn't his fault, and the One Big Really Stupid Thing that he did after THAT was actually a good thing in a way because... oh, nuts.  If you've seen it, drop me a line in the comments and we can gab about that part, okay?

Me?  Tear up at this part? Nevah.  Don't even incinerate such a thing.

Sarah Ridd, John's mother, is supposed to be a weak, wimpy-weepy sort of character in the book (according to Anne-girl) but I liked her strong portrayal in the movie.  It's nice to see a period drama mom with a bit of backbone to her.  When you think about, an awful lot of mothers in period dramas get a bad rap.  Either they're dead before the story starts (e.g. Mrs. Dorrit) or they're wishy-washy (e.g. Mrs. Dashwood) or they're complete morons (e.g. Mrs. Bennet) or they're selfish stepmothers (e.g. Mrs. Gibson).  Now, if Sir Percy had had a mom, she probably would have been fabulous... oh, wait, she was insane.  Scratch that.

Back to the supporting characters.  They were pretty much all great, the only notable exception being Young Lorna (is she a supporting character?).  She was kind of stupid.  Not quite annoying... but almost.  However, her rather flat performance is forgotten in the grand scheme of things, and boy is there ever a grand scheme of things.  Unrequited love, requited love, happy endings, sad endings, lots of mud (ahem), amazing music, gorgeous hairstyles, not-so-gorgeous hairstyles (smokin' mocha mokawk, anyone?), lies, honesty, stolen jewels, family secrets...

...just go watch it.  I promise you will not be disappointed.  In fact, you may even like it enough to watch it twice in one week.

I want that red blouse... very badly.

Not, of course, that my sister and I would have done such a thing.  What a dreadful idea.  How dare you even suggest it.  Off with your head.

*relents*  Oh, very well, I'll forgive you this once.  You'll still be hanged of course, but I'll spare you the drawing and quartering.

That was a joke.

Also a quote from Judge Jeffreys.  Not quite the sweetest person in the movie, but...

...never mind. It wasn't that funny.  Here's a Lorna Doone trailer.  I made it.  For you.